Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Gone Too Soon

Celebrity deaths have been rampant lately. We all mourned as pop sensation Michael Jackson was taken from us. We grieved as noted thespian Gary Coleman passed into the Spirit Realm. Now the world is practically tearing itself asunder in vicious agony as cruel fate has taken yet another of the human race's most precious jewels.

Born in 1963, Bret Michaels, perhaps better known as the God of Thunder, was inarguably the single most important musical theorist that has ever been born in Butler Pennsylvania. At the age of one days old he was said to have taken down the mobile over his crib and repurposed the strings of it to form a rudimentary guitar. It was that night that he penned his first song, later to be titled "Dr. Feelgood" which would go on to create the entire genre known as Punk Rock.

Never one to simply rest oh his laurels, a tender fourteen-year-old Michaels decided to leave behind his Punk Rock roots and head out to LA where he formed influential Progressive Rock/Grunge outfit Guns N' Roses. The thunderous bass grooves that Michaels coaxed out of his Warlock Signature Les Paul-Style Gibson Explorer Bass found immediate mainstream crossover success on the charts as the band's debut album "The Blizzard of Oz"went quadruple diamond mere hours after its launch. Unfortunately, during the making of GNR's followup album "Pet Sounds" the band dissolved as its drummer Jimi Hendrix fell into addiction due to the surging popularity of a new drug known as crack cocaine.

After a snide comment from Keith Moon (in which he proclaimed that Bret Michaels's next album would sell like a lead balloon,) Bret went on to form the Shoegaze/Rap conglomeration Led Zepplinz. Working this time with drummer Fred Durst and rapper Kurt Cobain, Bret was about to reinvent music as an entity.

Sadly, the album will remain forever unfinished as the world's population scratches its dandruffy head in a state of constant wonder at what could have been. On August 24th 2010 Bret Michaels was pronounced dead on arrival by doctor Sanjay Gupta in a Pasadena rehabilitation center of an apparent overdose on Children's Tylenol which Bret was said to be fond of mixing with Sprite into a drink known as Pissurp.

Girlfriend Nancy Spungen addressed the throngs of groupies that gathered outside of Michaels's palatial Paisley Park Ranch estate with a heavy heart. It was there that she gave away some of his most treasured wigs to the swarm of frothing fans.

So, friends, let us remember this beautiful manbeast in the only way we know how. Let us commemorate the life and times of the singer who made the whistle register sound good. The guitarist who invented shredding. The drummer whose arms moved so fast that the Japanese called him "the man without shadows." The dancer who created gliding, the funky chicken and the robot. The philanthropist who started Jerry's kids. The one and only Bret Alister Michaels.

Also, Ray is next.

1 comment:

  1. Man knows how to wear some lip gloss.

    But truly, I don't think a Hallway Show figure has ever been, or ever will be, introduced quite so eloquently.